I wonder what would happen if I pretended I was better. Do you think it would make life easier of harder? In some ways, I don't think it would make much difference. The doctors still aren't doing anything. Before I started CBT, they told me if I still wasn't better they would send me to another specialist. I put a lot of effort into therapy because I wanted to help myself. Mentally I am much better now but my other symptoms are still there. On tuesday I went to the doctors and explained my situation. For the first time in a long time, I managed to stay calm and I didn't get upset. He was really nice, much nicer than they usually are and the best thing is he believed me, and he genuinely wanted to help me. Despite doing CBT and feeling considerably saner because of it, they are sending me back to another pyschologist because they just don't know what to do with me anymore. I told him I would do it because I want to get better, even though I know it's not the right thing. I realised that he is probably giving me this referral because he doesn't want to tell me that there isn't anything they can do anymore. I realised this when I was walking home, and I started crying, and didn't stop until I had to leave for college an hour later.
This week has been strange. Some moments have made me happier than I have been for ages but others have made me feel really sad. It's a bit like life is throwing things and me just to drag them away again in front of my eyes. Although I'm in a much better place than I was, life feels so daunting right now. It's scary, I want some guidance.
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