I don't like saying I have MAV anymore, because for a while i've been doubting that this diagnosis was correct. I'm starting to think that my symptoms are because of something inside myself, something biological or psychological that has caused me to have this condition, whatever it is. But because MAV is the diagnosis I have been given, I will keep calling it that, unless I get another diagnosis (which I think is unlikely, because the doctors have written me off).
The fact that my diagnosis of MAV has been so subjective, and i'm still not really sure what I've got, has meant that things have never felt fully resolved, even when I am in a period of feeling well. I'm not always searching for answers anymore like I used to, but I still wonder sometimes. The fact that my symptoms could be because of mental/psychological reasons scares me. If that is what has been causing this, why? Why can't I be sane? Am I sane?? I seem to spend a lot of time convincing myself that I am, but what if I am not?
Things have been good recently. It seems like I am much more able to deal with my MAV than I used to be. I have finally learnt how to look after myself so my symptoms go away, and stay away for weeks at a time. During these weeks I can forget about it and pretend it does not exist. Sometimes I 'relapse' though, and this is how I know it is going to happen...
I get very tired, and sometimes I can't get up in the morning. This week I missed two of my first period lessons because I couldn't get up, and instead slept for another two hours. I also get very weak, and everything is much more of a struggle than it normally is. I lack patience and get angry more easily. Then I start getting dizzy more frequently than usual, and the dizziness is more severe. I start to slip into a feeling of dissociation, and suddenly I see the world in a completely different way that I have no control over. I am watching the world but I am not part of it. I cannot connect with the world, and my mind feels disconnected from my body. It's more difficult to concentrate.
I used to have this so often that I couldn't remember what normal was anymore. It's amazing that I have been able to somehow manage it so most of the time I don't feel it. But it's still disheartening when I start getting sick again, and I always get scared that I won't be able to get myself back into 'remission'. This is all just a reminder of how isolated and misunderstood I felt for years. I really, really, really don't want to go back.
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