How we change

I've been thinking about how our experiences change us. There are three major things that have happened in my life, and I'm sure that if they never happened I would be a completely different person. One of these experiences I am never going to mention on this blog. The other I will talk about some other time. Today I want to write about how having Migraine Associated Vertigo has changed who I have become.

There are so many ways it has changed me. First of all, it's made me a much more caring and empathetic person, and it's made me appreciate things much more. I'm sure I've talked about this all before. There is one major change that I think i've only just recognised...

For most of my teenage years, although I was able to live a relatively normal life, it was very difficult for me to do that. I can see now that a lot of the troubles I had because of having MAV were psychological; I was scared of doing things in case I made myself worse, so I told myself and everyone else that I couldn't. Then when I went to college, I started living more but was feeling the worst I had ever felt with my MAV and I had to be so careful all the time. Then when I turned 17, things started getting better and I felt more in control of everything, and I knew how to manage my MAV. But I felt like I had missed out on so many things, and suddenly I really wanted to live.

Now I think I am not careful enough, because now I have seen what it is like to not define my life by my illness, I cannot bring myself to go back to the way I was. I pretend there is nothing wrong with me because It helps me feel more normal. I was so sick of staying in the position of a victim that I had to just get away from it. It was making me go crazy. Now, I crave anything that makes me feel alive. I say yes to a lot of things that the old me wouldn't have even considered. I used to be much more content with just being, but now I seek excitement to make up for the years I think I missed.

Although sometimes the 'victim' comes back and she makes me feel like a vulnerable, sick child again who needs to be looked after. Although I am usually strong enough to push her away now. Maybe if I let her in sometimes, she will not try to force her way back in anymore.

Erase and rewind leave that sick girl behind, and fast forward, fast forward.