It's Thursday. This is the hardest day of the week for me. I am writing this in the library during my free. I have psychology next. This morning when I got into college I felt awful... So tired, that when the dizziness started I really didn't feel like I could do it today. Somehow, I do anyway. I've felt like this a lot recently.
I've been thinking about this blog and what it means to me. At first, I started it so I could get my story out there and raise awareness of vestibular disorders and Migraine Associated Vertigo to make people understand what it feels like living with it every day, for so long that you can't actually remember what 'normal' is anymore. I was hoping that someone would read it and feel relieved, because it would show them that they are not alone and that there are other people out there struggling in the same way as them. Now, I think this blog is just as much for me as it is for other people. There is no one, not even my family, who can understand how much my life has changed from having this illness. I have given up trying to explain to people - there is no way I can explain to make them understand. Everyone who seems caring and understanding at first soon give up trying to listen/help. Whenever I think I have found a person who might be able to really help me, they just walk away in the end. Including my parents. It's easy for other people - they can walk away. They do not have to feel the effects of this illness.
Sometimes I don't mind about this. I try to see it from their point of view. People want you to be okay, they don't want anything to be wrong with you. It makes them feel better to just forget, or to pretend that you really are okay, and you don't need any help. But most of the time, this just makes me angry. I am so resentful of everyone who has made me feel like somehow, this is my fault.
This is why I have this blog. It is something I can rely on.
And despite all of the struggles I have just trying to live my life, I try not to be too angry, because I know that will just make me feel worse, and I am sick of negative emotions. And it's hard, but it's nothing new, and I still love my life, I don't want pity, because I know that there are so many good things I am lucky for, and I am glad that I am me.
Wow! I completely understand how you feel. I was diagnosed with MAV a couple years ago and so far the meds have either not worked or they cause a bad reaction, like palpitations. I'm in college, started back again after being away for a few years. I'm only taking 3 classes because I didn't know if I could do it with the dizziness. So tired of it holding me back from a normal life. I have one class where I have to take all my tests in this computer lab, the lights drive me insane as do the type of computer monitors they have. I'm dizzy within a minute of being in there. I almost had to leave in the middle of my last test.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for normal people to understand. I also notice that at first they seem to care and then after a while just sort of give up on you. They get frustrated, I get frustrated. It's not fun. Wish we had local support groups or something. lol How do you deal with your dizziness at school? Do you have any anxiety from it?
I think there definitely needs to be more awareness and understanding about how debilitating this disorder can be. I don't think that even doctors see it as a big deal.