Siege - the action of an armed force that surrounds a fortified place and isolates it while continuing to attack.
Everything I say here about what I am feeling is the truth. I am not exaggerating. I want people to understand what this feels like.
Today I sat down and tried to revise for my psychology exam that is next week. Because of my cognitive symptoms, what should have taken me about an hour took three because it was just so difficult for me to think clearly. The fact that it seems to be getting more difficult really scares me, because it shows me that as time passes, my cognitive symptoms just seem to get worse. It is something that has obviously been happening gradually because I only noticed how bad it has got when I tried to revise, which seemed to be so much easier for me to do this time last year. Often I find myself just staring at something, but not even really thinking, because my mind has drifted off somewhere so far away that I no longer know where it is, and any thoughts that I do have feel out of reach and foggy. Recently it's got so difficult to drag my mind back out of these states. When I am like this I do not want to talk to anyone because conversation is too exhausting. I don't want to think, I don't want to try. I am not sure what I want when I feel like this. I guess I just want to feel normal again, but I don't even know what 'normal' is anymore.
The worst part is that there is nothing anyone will do to stop this from happening, even the doctors, who seem to have given up on me. They do not understand how urgent it is that someone does something to help me soon, before It gets any worse. I always try to appreciate how lucky I actually am, but tonight I don't really feel it, I just feel scared, and angry that I have been left alone to deal with this.
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