Pain

My pain has gradually improved. I now take less Tramadol, although a day without any painkillers at all is quite rare. I haven't had any A&E admissions or morphine since May/June, which is amazing considering I was there at least once a month for a while. At times, when it is nearly unbearable, I am close to going, but I desperately try not to. On the very bad days, the difficult thing is having to hide the pain I am in. As soon as I am alone in the office, or when I can't cope with hiding it anymore and go to a different room, I curl up in a ball or stretch in a way that feels good, and just completely stop hiding it. Even when I am walking along one of the corridors and no one is near me, I allow the pain I am in to show on my face because hiding it is a lot of effort. As soon as someone is there, the mask goes back on, although some of those who do know about my endo can still tell (the thing about OTs is that they are observant, they notice things like that. The others must suspect that somethings not quite right but it really doesn't matter). Oli is also one who can tell when I'm in pain (he is also observant and he obviously knows me well). 

When I am with a patient, it's easier because I am so focused on them and what I am doing that even though the pain is impossible to ignore, it's easier to get on with it. Also because generally when I'm with a patient I'm moving a bit more, which seems to help when it's nerve pain (rather than endo pain). Sitting still is horrible to be honest, because it feels a bit like i'm being electrocuted from the inside. I'm not even exaggerating. 
 
Anyway, I go home reasonably happy when I finish my day at work despite being in a lot of pain. I feel kind of like i've achieved something, like I'm not letting it stop me. It helps to tell someone about it, share the burden of it. I go home, feeling so relieved that I don't have to hide it anymore. Sometimes, on the really bad days, I go home and the only way I can cope is by lying on my bed with my headphones in, and try to detach myself from my body as much as possible. Music helps me cope with it; it helps me get away from my body. I just listen to the music, and breathe, and take it one song at a time until it starts to ease. If I can, I do yoga. The gentle movement helps me cope with the pain, even though it doesn't make it go away. Yoga can feel so good and it's very soothing. 

I didn't intend to make this post so long, but it feels good to get the truth out. I'm not going to sugar coat it; this is the reality and sometimes it's really, really shit but I really am okay. I have my coping strategies, and I always get through it, with or without morphine.