(Written in June 2014 during a sleepness night)
Night is a difficult time for me at the moment. When I first got out of hospital, my increased dose of amitriptyline acted like a sleeping pill and knocked me out every night, making me sleep so heavily peacefully that I didn't feel any pain. Now my body is getting used to it, too quickly. I cope by putting my headphones in and listening to music that calms me. Hearing a gentle voice or beautiful instrument in my ear. I slip away from reality, something that is a great relief for me. Reality is somewhere that is often very difficullt for me to be in at the moment. Drifting away is an escape I crave. I drift through my beautiful world that I have created and wish I could stay longer. I return to reality with reluctance. I wish I could press pause for a while and just drift, away from my body and my pain. But time moves too quickly for me to do that, and reality demands my attendance. Everything is on fast-forward.
I wrote this when things were still very much out of control. I'm happy to say that my pain is much more under control now, and I am starting to win my fight with endometriosis. Unfortunately, it's going to be an on-going fight, which is something that I have accepted. For ages I just wanted a cure, and I was hoping that after surgery, my endometriosis would be gone and that would be it. It was difficult coming to the realisation that this would not be the case, but there aren't many cures in life really, are there? It is a case of regaining your control over your life and your body as much as you can, and adapting. Being gentle with yourself and accepting that you may not be able to do quite as much as you would like to, but doing what you can and giving yourself the rest that you need and deserve. I'm lucky because I have found a treatment which is really beneficial for me, so I'm in a much better place than I was six months ago, even if some days are a struggle.
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